What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Randomize
