Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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