i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
