i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
