Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
