Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Houston, we have a blender
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
