please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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