OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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