remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
