If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
