i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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