At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
