i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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