Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
