Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
