two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
