i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
