Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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