I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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