So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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