Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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