pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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