he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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