Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My ass is underappreciated
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
