I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
