HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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