Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
