I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Dick very happy bro
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
