Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
