seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
