he thought i was a dude.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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