I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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