You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
