Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
