dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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