my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
