so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
