Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
