Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
