We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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