They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
