I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
you traded sex for a burrito?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
