she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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