just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
