Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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