There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I don't deserve a penis
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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