you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
