i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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