SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
