You don't have asthma, your pregnant
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
