Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I intend to get homeless drunk
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
